little wahine

This is what I nick-nameed the "journaling room" in the place we are care-taking right now. There are lovely rich cushions and pillows on the floor, and you can't see it in the picture but there are the most beautiful huge wooden bowls, filled with journals and writing. What a lovely place.

What a dreamy life... to wake up, do some stretching, make tea, flow into beautiful journaling room to sit,meditate, pray, and be inspired. A beautiful home, plenty of time, "enough" money, lovely weather and views, and a wonderful family in the mix. There would probably be a pretty turqoise kimono and some other nice clothes in there too somewhere, if I'm gonna dream.

The funny thing is, I still prefer my sweet little house. It's easier. It's simpler. It's enough.

What do I want...What do I need... what do I already have?

Is it weird that I constantly ask in my subconcious these questions? I can't get off this kick lately. And I have to say, I'm not sure if I am just set up in prime conditions or what, but I feel pretty damn well satsified with what I have. It's the most earie feeling. Even the lacking, the part of me that is constantly craving, I even love that. It's the part of me that is always hungry, always looking for life and for love and beauty.... then discovering the sweet truth that it abounds.

I was going to write this blog with descriptions of the unique and beautiful experiences I've been having, but feel that it wouldn't do this feeling justice. I don't want to paint the wrong picture here.... just believe me when I say that my life is not perfect. I really have such trying moments...where I swear under my breath, or snap at my kids, or just feel so tired of wiping up Gabe's poop. But see... Even that! That is part of it too! I'm realizing that life really will never be perfect. I can break it down into some simple basics:

1. If I think stuff will make me happy, I will never have enough, and I still won't be happy.
2. An act of love is usually staring me right in the face.
3. If I don't just start trying now to overcome my weaknesses, my life will just get worse.
4. there is breathtaking beauty all around me, if I just take a look
5. Challenge myself to things that scare me
6. work hard, from my heart.
7. Give myself room to be human

8. Make sure to put my energy and love into things that matter.

9. Love deeply, let it make me cry in the middle of the farmer'market in empathy for someone I don't even really know.

I feel silly suggesting this, but could you try saying this list out loud to yourself and let me know how it makes you feel. If you think of a few more things for my list, please let me know.

I talk about you often. Sometimes I miss you so much it's the strangest feeling, I want to watch you blossom, mature, grow older. I have known you and loved you during all my remembering years. I wish we could have long converstations... hard to do from across the ocean, but here is my blog in honor of you. I love your spirit, your heart, your beauty, your light!

Fevers and tangerines.

It’s been forever since I have made time to do this… but miraculously time was made for me by forced conditions. Lily and Gabe are sick, lethargic, achy, coughy and feverish, so we can’t leave, we have no internet, and we live in a bus. I have cleaned, read, cleaned more, made breakfast, made tea, made snacks, read books, and now that I have run out of things to do, I am forced to blog. Or at least write a blog that will possibly never be uploaded because who knows when I will find internet to make that happen?

So, the truth is that this blog intimidates and overwhelms me because I am so far behind…. How would I ever be able to catch up on what has taken place since Christmas? Ha! You know what? I’m not going to do it! I’m just going to talk about today.

I was just washing the dishes and thinking about how living in a bus might be making me crazy. OR, it might be making me strong, adaptable and content. You see, it can change every 30 minutes. THAT is how fast things can get better and worse when you live in a small space. To anyone out there who has done it, do you know what I’m saying? It’s a struggle to keep my perspective right, it feels kind of like when I was in labor. But when I push through these hard, hard moments, I feel amazing, and I want to do it again. Just that battle inside, where I want to lay down, give up, cry and feel sorry for myself, and then this stronger woman is right in there too, challenging me, urging me on… I love it when that girl wins. But it takes a lot of humility, meditation, intention and prayers for her to win, it really does.

What I keep thinking about today, is that this is where I get stronger. I tossed and turned a lot last night, Johnny sleeping on the couch to make room in our bed for feverish kids, who cried and coughed all night long. I seriously feel like I was praying all night. I don’t know what to do, both Johnny and I feel overwhelmed right now, where to live, where to work, how to MAKE things work….yet I feel some deep inner peace that it is all going to be amazing, and I just need to keep my head up, do my best and watch beauty unfold. It takes a lot of patience to do that. It’s taking my children being so sick that we are bus-bound, for me to just slow down, think, and just be. I know I can make things happen, I know I could go find us a great little house, and I can always find ways to bring in money and be a super hard worker…. But it’s not the time for me to do that. I really feel like I need to wait, hope, love, and be happy in the meantime.

So here’s how I’m doing that today….

I’m taking such good care of my sick babies. Pau d’arco tea, essential oils, Echinacea, ginger, tumeric, colloidal silver… and IBU profen when it’s bad. I cleaned this bus and organized yet again, and have to say, it’s a cozy little place. Yesterday was so hot I felt crazy, sweaty and grouchy in here, totally hopeless and little depressed…. So today, I opened all the windows, got a breeze going, and lit some candles. I have a lot to be thankful for. Panoramic windows all around with green things growing right outside, birds calling, clean air.

My friend Ann-Marie made the day even brighter by dropping by with fresh avacado and a big bag of tangerines from her back yard… all sliced and clean! Fresh vitamin C for all, and they are SO delicious, I just stood over the sink just pounding tangarines til I had my fill!

So there are always breezes and tangerines in your day if you look for them…. And living in a bus can be just awful, or a grand adventure depending on which way you let your mind take you…. Believe me, I go back and forth many times a week!

Happiness